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  #1  
Old 15th January 2010
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Default Joke Of The Day

Old un but Gold Un!!

Mike and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked
as aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport. One day the
airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar
with nothing to do. Mike said, "Jeez, I wish we had
something to drink!". Jim says, "Me as weel. Y'know,
I've heard ye can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. Ye
wannae try it?
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of
high-octane hootch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Mike wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects - Nothing! Then the phone rings...
It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this mornin'?"
Mike says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yerself?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. Do ye have a sair heid?"
Mike says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff - nae
hangover, nothin'. We need tae drink this stuff
insteed o' Smirnoff." "Aye! But there's just one thing..."
"What's that?". "Have you farted yet?" "Naw..."
"Well, DINNAE, 'cause I'm in Dusseldorf


Lets Hear Yours Lads....
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  #2  
Old 16th January 2010
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Garry Adams Garry Adams is offline
 
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Did you hear the one about the attempt to climb the North Face of the Everest by the Irish National Mountaineering Climbing Team ???,
They had to abort the attempt 50 Ft from the summit , cos they ran out of Scaffolding---
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  #3  
Old 16th January 2010
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This is serious.

Over the last month a friend in the UK became a victim of a clever 'Eastern
European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a
bit of shopping turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your mates.

Here's how the scam works
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your
car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask
you for a lift to another supermarket store.

You agree and they both get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the
front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you
intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals
your wallet!

My friend had his wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th, twice
yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend.

Be careful, this is a scam......

PS

Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl have some at £1.75 and
they look better.
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  #4  
Old 20th January 2010
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Went to a charity disco the other night in aid of women with no legs.

Dance floor was crawling with fanny!!

Split up with the missus last night. She said I think about football more than I think of her.

I'm devasted, I've been been with her 12 seasons.
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  #5  
Old 20th January 2010
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Did you hear the one about the Chinese pole dancer who had no legs---
her name is--- Dragon Lips
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  #6  
Old 20th January 2010
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Talking tax man

whats a pelican and the tax man got in common; they can both stick their bills up their ar*e.
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  #7  
Old 21st January 2010
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Default charity do

do you want to come to a charity do at the weekend, its for women with no legs. apparently the dance floor will be crawling with fanny!

---------- Post added at 08:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:26 PM ----------

sorry people just seen that pw has already posted that one, aplogies pw

---------- Post added at 08:32 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:28 PM ----------

i can still remember playtime at school.a bit of footy, sneaking a quick ciggy and trying to finger girls behind the bike sheds,.....i f...ing loved that caretakers job

---------- Post added at 08:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:32 PM ----------

brilliant! just diiscovered twitter. its my girlfriends sensitive area between the **** and her s...ter

---------- Post added at 09:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:35 PM ----------

after no dates for 5 years lynn goes to see chinese sex therapist dr chang. he says take off all your croase.get down and craw reery reery fast to otherside of room. she does. ok craw reery reery fast back. as she did dr chang shook his head, yor probrem vewy vewy bad, worst case Ed Zachary disease i ever see, dat why you get no man.she says god whats Ed Zachary disease.dr chang say its when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse
ng
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  #8  
Old 28th January 2010
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Woman goes to the doctor looking pretty beat up.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."
Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of luke warm chamomile tea and start swilling it around your mouth. Just swill it until the whole cup has gone".
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me..
Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
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  #9  
Old 29th January 2010
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Talking yep i,m now single

How many scaffs it take to change a light bulb ?
NONE let the bitch cook in the DARK
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  #10  
Old 1st February 2010
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A couple of topical jokes:

Did you see that they found that bloke's wife alive in the rubble of the Haiti earthquake after two weeks?

Thats the sort of f**king luck I'd have


Wayne Bridge had a copy of his knob made out of Cadburys chocolate to give to his girlfriend.
Sadly she didn't like it as she prefers Terrys!
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